Anter
- ʻO nā loiloi
- Hoʻowahāwahā
- Pale pale ʻana
- E nānā i ka hihia ma lalo ma ke ʻano he laʻana:
- Pohaku
- ʻO ka lākiō hoʻokalakupua i ke aloha 5: 1
- Ke hoʻāʻo nei e kia i ka maikaʻi ma mua o ka maikaʻi ʻole
- E hoʻonui i nā launa aloha me kāu wahine
Ua alakaʻi ʻia mākou e manaʻoʻiʻo i ka launa ʻana me kēlā me kēia ʻē aʻe ke kumu hoʻokahi e hoʻoholo ai i ke kumu e kūleʻa ai ʻole e kūleʻa ai ka male.
Eia naʻe, he kuhi hewa kēia.
Ke ʻike nei i ka helu o ka poʻe e hele i loko o kahi hemo e pono iā ʻoe e noʻonoʻo 'Aia kekahi mea i ka male ma mua o ke kaulike wale nō?' Aia kekahi mau kumu hou aʻe e alakaʻi i ke kumu e kūleʻa ai ʻole e kūleʻa ai ka male?
Ua mālama ʻia ka noiʻi he nui ʻole e pili ana i ka male a pehea e hana ai i ka male i ʻike ʻia aia kahi kaumaha holoʻokoʻa o nā kumu i ka hana o ka male. Ma muli o ka paʻakikī o ka pilina ma waena o kēlā me kēia kanaka. Ua alakaʻi ʻia ka hapa nui o kēia noiʻi e, ʻO Dr John Gottman.
Ua manaʻo ʻia ʻo Dr John Gottman ka mea mana i ka male ʻana i ka male i hiki iā ia ke wānana i ka male a ka wahine inā e kūleʻa a i ʻole kūleʻa paha. I kekahi o nā ʻano no kāna mau hoʻokolohua, noi ʻo ia i nā kāne e hakakā.
Ke noi nei kahi kauka i nā kāne e hakakā. Pehea kahi, ʻeā? Me he mea lā paha, ke nānā nei i nā kāne i ka wā o ka hakakā ua hōʻike i nā hōʻike nui loa i kōkua i ka hoʻopaʻa ʻana i ka noiʻi ma ka male.
ʻAʻole pili ka male ʻana i ka wā ʻino, ke wili pū ʻia nei hoʻi i loko o kou ola, i nā ʻino nui a liʻiliʻi paha.
ʻAʻole hiki ke pale ʻia nā hakakā a no ka lā a ka lā o ka pilina
Ua hōʻike ʻia nā hopena o ka noiʻi lōʻihi a Gottman i kēia mau pane i ke kumu e kūleʻa ai ʻole e kūleʻa ai ka male.
Ke hana nei ma nā Horsemen ʻEhā o ka Apocalypse
Wahi a ka Baibala, ʻo ka poʻe Horsemen ʻEhā o ka Apocalypse nā mea harbingers a i ʻole nā hōʻailona o ka hopena o nā manawa.
Ua lilo kēia i mea hoʻouluulu i ka wanana a Dr John Gottman no ka hemo male, ʻo ia hoʻi:
ʻO nā loiloi
ʻO ka loiloi kahi ala kōkua e hoʻoponopono i nā hana i makemake ʻole ʻia a i ʻole ke ʻano. Ke hana pololei ʻia, e loaʻa i nā ʻaoʻao ʻelua kahi ʻike e pono ai nā mea ʻelua. No laila, ke aʻo ʻana i ke ʻano loiloi he loea koʻikoʻi e aʻo ai nā kāne ʻelua.
Aia kekahi ala e hala ai kekahi i ka hoʻohewa me ka ʻole o ka nuku a i ʻole e hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻia kāu wahine.
Hōʻike ʻo Dr John Gottman ma kahi o ke kuhikuhi ʻana i nā manamana lima i kāu wahine ma o ka huaʻōlelo ʻo "ʻo ʻoe ...", e hoʻomaka me ka ʻōlelo ʻana "ʻO wau." E nānā i kēia mau laʻana ʻelua:
"ʻAʻole loa ʻoe e kōkua a puni me ka hale a me nā keiki. Ua palaualelo ʻoe! ”
"Ua kaumaha wau i ka nui o nā hana o ka hale a me ka mālama ʻana i nā keiki. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻoluʻolu e kōkua iaʻu? ”
Ke nānā kokoke nei i nā ʻōlelo laʻana ma luna nei hiki ke ʻike i ke ʻano o ka ʻokoʻa o kēia mau ʻelua. ʻO ka huaʻōlelo mua ka mea e pololei ai ka hewa a me ka hoʻopaʻi ʻana i nā kani: "ʻAʻole loa ʻoe .. palaualelo loa ʻoe!". Akā, inā mākou e nānā i ka ʻōlelo ʻelua, ʻike mākou ke kaʻana nei ka mea haʻi ʻōlelo i ka mea e hana nei iā lākou me ka ʻole o ka hoʻopiʻi ʻana i kā lākou hoa.
Hoʻowahāwahā
Ke manaʻo mākou e pili ana i ka pili o ka male, manaʻo pinepine mākou e pili ana i kahi pilina kahi e aloha nui ai nā mea ʻelua. ʻAʻole ia he paʻakikī e noʻonoʻo ʻole e pili ana i ka pili o ka male ma kēia ala, ma hope o nā mea āpau, ua koho ʻoe e noho me kēia kanaka no ke koena o kou ola.
ʻAʻole mākou e noʻonoʻo ʻo ka hoʻowahāwahā kahi mea e kū i kahi pilina aloha, ʻeā? Akā naʻe, hewa mākou. ʻOiai maikaʻi ʻole e like me ke kani ʻana, ʻike ʻia ka hoʻowahāwahā i kekahi manawa ma o ka pilina paʻa.
Me ka hoʻowahāwahā, haʻi a hana paha kahi mea i manaʻo ʻia e hōʻeha i ka hoa ʻē aʻe.
Hōʻike paha kekahi pakanā a kamaʻilio hoʻohaʻahaʻa paha i kā lākou hoa e hana i ka hoa me ka pono ʻole.
He mea ʻole ka hoʻoikaika a ke kanaka e hana ai i ka hoʻowahāwahā, pono e hoʻokau ʻia i kāna ala ma mua o ka hemo ʻana o ka male. ʻO ka hoʻowahāwahā ka wānana nui loa no ke aha e kūleʻa ai ʻole e kūleʻa ai ka male.Hōʻike ʻia kēia i kekahi o kēia mau mea:
- ʻ languagelelo hōʻino: wahaheʻe, ʻino, nalo, momona, a pēlā aku
- Nā ʻōlelo Sarcastic: “ʻĀe? ʻĀ, makaʻu loa wau i kēia manawa ... Nui loa! ”
- Nā helehelena helehelena: ʻōwili maka, hoʻomāʻewaʻewa, a pēlā aku
Inā hoʻowahāwahā ʻia kou pilina, ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ke kiʻi ʻana i ka mahalo hou aku, ka mahalo nui ʻana, a me ka ʻae hou aku i kāu hoa ma mua o ka nānā ʻana i nā ʻano maikaʻi ʻole o kāu hoa.
Pale pale ʻana
ʻ tellslelo mai ʻo Psychology iā mākou he nui nā hana a mākou e hoʻohana ai e pale iā mākou iho. Aia kahi pae holoʻokoʻa o nā hana pale e hāʻule ana mai ka hōʻole a hiki i ka hana ʻana.
I nā pilina, hoʻohana mākou i kēia mau ʻano hana pale e kāpae iā mākou iho mai nā kuleana o nā pilikia e hōʻike nei.
ʻO ke kaumaha, me ka pale ʻana, hoʻopau ʻia ke kiko o ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa e hōʻeha ai ka hoa ʻē aʻe, ʻeha, a aloha ʻole ʻia ai hoʻi.
Hiki ke ʻike ʻia ka pale ʻana i ka pilina ke hōʻole loa kekahi hoa i ke kuleana. ʻO kēia ka makapō a lākou i ka hopena i lawe mai ai i kā lākou hoa.
E nānā i ka hihia ma lalo ma ke ʻano he laʻana:
Ellie: “ʻlelo ʻoe e hele ana mākou e ʻaina me ka Carter ma ka Lāpule. Poina ʻoe? ”
John: “ʻAʻole au i ʻae i kēlā. No ke aha ʻoe e hōʻoia mau ai iā mākou e hele nei inā ʻaʻole ʻoe i nīnau mai iaʻu. Maopopo paha iā ʻoe ua ʻae wau i kēlā? ”
I kā mākou laʻana, e hoʻāʻo ana ʻo Ellie e hōʻoia me kāna kāne e hele ana lākou i ka ʻaina awakea. Eia naʻe, ua pale ʻo John i ka pale ʻana ke kū ʻo ia, e kau ana i ka hewa ma luna o Ellie (No ke aha ʻoe e hōʻoia mau ai iā mākou e hele nei inā ʻaʻole ʻoe i nīnau mai iaʻu?), A ke hele nei hoʻi i kahi kukui uila.
ʻIke ʻia ka pale ʻana ke hoʻomaka kekahi hoa e hāpai i kā lākou hoʻopiʻi ponoʻī ʻoiai ʻaʻole i hoʻonā ʻia nā hoʻopiʻi a kā lākou hoa. ʻO kahi hana e hiki ai iā mākou ke kāhea ma ke ʻano he hoʻopiʻi hoʻopiʻi. I kā mākou laʻana ma luna, ua hāpai ʻo John i kāna mau hoʻopiʻi ʻoiai e hoʻāʻo ana ʻo Ellie e hānai iā ia iho.
Ma mua o ke kamaʻilio ʻana i kahi paio, paipai ʻia nā hoa e hoʻi i hope a hanu. E hoʻāʻo e hōʻoluʻolu a lawe iā ʻoe iho i kahi kūlana o ka ʻike kahi hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i ka hōʻeha ʻole ʻana o kāu hoa iā ʻoe. Ma kahi o ka pale ʻana, hoʻomaopopo, a empathize hoʻi.
Inā ua hana hewa ʻoe, e lawe i ke kuleana. Loaʻa iā ʻoe ke kuhihewa a e kala aku nona.
ʻO ke kala ʻana no ka hewa ʻaʻole ia e hemo i ke kuleana o ke kuhi hewa, akā, hiki i kāu hoa ke ʻike he hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i kāu mau hewa a ʻae ʻoe e neʻe pū me ke kala.
Pohaku
ʻO kekahi mea wānana a i ʻole kumu no ke aha e kūleʻa ai ʻole kūleʻa ai ka male ʻo ia ka hana pale paʻa paʻa i kapa ʻia he pōhaku.
Me ka pōhaku, haʻalele loa ka hoa a haʻalele loa i ke kino e hōʻike i ka hōʻole.
ʻO Stonewalling kahi hana pale i hoʻohana pinepine ʻia e nā kāne. 85% o nā kāne ma kā Kauka John Gottman hoʻopaʻa haʻawina, e kikoʻī. Ua ʻike ʻia e hele pinepine nā kāne i kēia mea no ka mea ʻaʻole makemake nā kāne e hōʻeha i kā lākou wahine.
Maʻalahi loa ka hana pōhaku ʻana i ka hana o ka paio, ʻoi loa. Eia nō naʻe, ma ke ʻano he wahine aloha, ma kahi o ka hailuku ʻana i kāu wahine i ka pōhaku, e noi aku me ka ʻoluʻolu i kāu wahine i kahi ākea a hōʻoia i kāu wahine e hoʻi hou ana ʻoe.
ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o kēlā ma mua o ka lohe ʻana i nā puka kuʻi, ʻeā?
ʻO ka lākiō hoʻokalakupua i ke aloha 5: 1
Ua ʻike anei ʻoe aia kekahi mahele hoʻokalakupua e aloha ai? ʻO ka lākiō hoʻokalakupua ʻo 5: 1.
ʻO ke aloha, ʻaʻole ia 1: 1; e loaʻa ai kahi pilina kaulike, e hōʻoia he 5: 1 ia, e kau ana i ʻelima mau hana aloha no kēlā me kēia hālāwai maikaʻi ʻole.
ʻOiai, he wahi kau kēlā, kēlā me kēia. Inā hiki iā ʻoe ke kūkulu i nā manawa aloha hou aku a nui a me ka mālama ʻana i nā hālāwai maikaʻi ʻole ma kahi mahele liʻiliʻi, e mau nō ka lōʻihi o kāu male ʻana.
Ke hoʻāʻo nei e kia i ka maikaʻi ma mua o ka maikaʻi ʻole
“Aloha au i kaʻu kāne, akā, ʻaʻole makemake wau i kekahi manawa iā ia.”
Ke noi wale nei ka ʻōlelo iā mākou e nīnau pehea e hiki ai iā ia ke ʻōlelo i kekahi mea e like me kēlā? Pehea e hiki ai iā ʻoe ke aloha i kekahi a makemake ʻole iā ia i ka manawa like?
ʻĀ, hiki i kahi pane ke nānā ka wahine i ka laʻana i ka mea maikaʻi ʻole ma mua o ka maikaʻi.
I nā pilina, maʻamau nā hakakā a me nā paio, a i kekahi manawa kēia mau hanana i kā mākou pilina e paʻakikī iā mākou e 'makemake' i kā mākou wahine.
He mea nui ke aloha. ʻO ke aloha ka mea e hoʻomanawanui ai ka pilina. ʻO ke aloha ka mea e hiki ai iā mākou ke ʻae i kā mākou wahine. ʻO ka makemake ʻana, ma ka ʻaoʻao ʻē aʻe, hiki ke paʻakikī ke ʻoi loa ke hele nā kāne ma waena o nā hakakā paʻakikī.
ʻO ka makemake kekahi ʻano nui o ka pilina ʻoiai ma hope o nā makahiki o ka male. Ke makemake nei i kekahi e ʻae, ʻike ʻoe i nā ʻano maikaʻi o kāu wahine.
No laila, mai kū ma ka I aloha ʻoe. ʻO ka nānā ʻana i nā ʻano maikaʻi o kāu wahine e kōkua iā ʻoe e hoʻomanaʻo pehea ʻoe i aloha ai iā lākou ma mua.
E hoʻonui i nā launa aloha me kāu wahine
Inā kamaʻāina ʻoe me kā David Chapman's 5 mau ʻ Lovelelo Aloha, a laila, e lilo ka manaʻo i mea ʻole iā ʻoe ke lohe nei i ka ʻōlelo puanaʻī “Aia ke aloha i nā hana. Akā inā ʻaʻole, ʻo ke hōʻike ʻana i ke aloha i kāu kāne ma waena o nā poloka kūkulu o ka male hua.
Holoi i nā pā ma hope o ka ʻaina ahiahi. Ke lawe nei i ka ʻōpala. E ala ana e hoʻihoʻi i ka hiamoe o ka pēpē. ʻIke paha kēia mau mea āpau i nā 'hana,' akā ʻoi aku ia ma mua o nā hana wale nō. ʻO kēia nā hana e hōʻike ai i kou aloha i kāu kāne. ʻO ke kōkua ʻana iā lākou a puni ka hale hiki ke ʻōlelo ʻoi aku ka nui a mahalo i ka mahalo.
ʻO ka hōʻike ʻana i ke aloha kekahi hana aloha ʻē aʻe e hiki ai i nā kāne male kekahi i kekahi.
I ka noiʻi ʻana, ua ʻike ʻia ka mahalo e like ka nui me ke aloha a me ka makemake. Ma o ka mahalo, hiki iā mākou ke ʻike i ka maikaʻi o kā mākou wahine; a hele lōʻihi loa kēia ʻano ʻike. ʻO ka mahalo kahi mea kōkua e kōkua i ka hoʻopaʻa ʻana o kāu male a me ka hauʻoli.
Mahalo i kāu wahine a ʻike i ke ʻano ʻokoʻa o kāu pilina.
ʻO nā mea huna i ka hopena o kāu male ʻana ma ka hilinaʻi ʻana ma ka mea hoʻokahi a i ʻole hoʻokahi hoa.
ʻO kahi pilina, e ka huaʻōlelo iho, ka hui pū ʻana o nā mea ʻelua i hoʻopaʻa ʻia e ke aloha a me ka ʻae ʻia.
I ka male ʻana, he mea nui ka hana pū ʻana ma waena o nā ʻokoʻa, a e like me ka manaʻo o kēia pou, ke aʻo ʻana e hakakā me ka pono ʻole me ka hoʻohana ʻole ʻana i kekahi o nā Horsemen ʻEhā – e hakakā ana me ka hoʻohewa ʻole, ka hoʻowahāwahā, ka pale ʻana, a me ka hailuku ʻana i ka pōhaku.
ʻO ia kekahi e pili ana i ka hoʻāʻo ʻana e kia i nā ʻano maikaʻi o kāu pilina a me kāu wahine; ke aʻo ʻana e kūkulu mai nā manawa ʻoi loa e pale aku i kāu male ʻana ke hiki mai nā manawa ʻoi loa.